The Healing Process

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It’s just over one month now since my mother passed. I can truly say that not one day has gone by that I haven’t cried at least once if not multiple times. My mother lived with my husband and I in an in-law apartment attached to our house. She was incredibly independent and private. We tried our best to honor her need for privacy. Most days I would only pop over just to quickly say hi and to be sure she was doing okay. I never really lingered for long. If there was any lingering to be done it would be when she came over to visit us. It was at those times I knew she wanted a little company.

I don’t think I was prepared for the hole in my heart and my life that losing my Mom would create. After all when I was twenty I lost my father. I had already been through losing a parent. But that was different. My Dad didn’t live with me so he was not part of my everyday routine.

The way Mom’s apartment is situated the house forms a V. Our end goes off in one direction while hers goes off in the other. From my loveseat in our living room I can look through our sliding glass door straight over to her sliding glass door and into her living room. I would see her open her blinds in the morning and know she was up and ready to start the day. Now I see darkness and no movement. It is a constant reminder that she is gone.

I’ve spent the past several weekends going through her things. Organizing rooms. Sorting through papers and photos. I’ve accomplished a lot but there is still a lot to be done. Bit by bit I am making progress. At the same time it has been painful but a job that has to get finished.

For me to help heal I have had to rearrange the apartment. Switch out paintings, move furniture etc… Leaving it exactly the way my mother had it was too depressing for me. It was like a slap in my face each time I walked in there. Now while it is still familiar with some of her things around it is different enough that it is not a constant stab in my heart.

I know that the whole healing process will take time. And a month really is not that long. And while I want the pain of loss to pass I don’t want the memories to fade!

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